


Disappearance

by Little_Gamer



Category: Fire Emblem Heroes
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, I started writing this in a mind of great depression, This is a bit personal, not recommended if you are influenced by reading about others in a depressive state of mind
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-01-26 11:51:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21373702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Little_Gamer/pseuds/Little_Gamer
Summary: I began writing this after having my depression and anxiety spike massively. I thankfully calmed down and this fic was started to help me recover a bit. I refined it and it got...long. So there's chapters now.
Relationships: Summoner/Henry/Gaius/Keaton/Kaden
Kudos: 6





	1. It's Useless

**Author's Note:**

> I began writing this after having my depression and anxiety spike massively. I thankfully calmed down and this fic was started to help me recover a bit. I refined it and it got...long. So there's chapters now.

** ‘Where am I…?’**

I opened my eyes. The air was cold, moonlight was coming from a hole in surface above. The ground I was laying on was wet and I could hear a stream of water flowing near me.

** ‘I’m in a cave...?’**

I was slowly regaining my senses and my body felt extremely heavy. Wind gently blew through the cave and with it a chill went through my whole body. I was drenched. I tried to move, but my body screamed in pain. Suddenly my muscles were tense, my head pounded, there were sharp pains in my chest when I tried to sit up. Immediately, I tried to shift myself to back to how I was. I must have passed out after dragging myself out. There was a severe pain in my chest when I tried to steady my breathing. Some of my ribs likely cracked or broken. But, I had to see if there was at least something I could move. I tried wiggling my feet.

** ‘Pain! Lots of pain!’**

My legs seized up at the slightest movement, while my feet felt battered and bruised. Were they sprained or worse though…? I tried moving my left arm-

“Aaaugh!”

Pain. So much pain! My shoulder felt like a knife had gone through it. But with the dim lighting, the pains in my body, and the soggy summoner’s robe weighing me down, I couldn’t see exactly what was wrong. At best it was just a bunch of sprains and a bone injury or two. Although, I have no idea if I’d had any open wounds... no with the rushing water I never would have regained consciousness if the blood loss was severe, right? Or is most of my bleeding internal?

Though maybe it's for the best… Maybe I could finally...

** ‘Disappear like you should.’**

* * *

_(Earlier that morning)_

** ‘You're Useless. Your efforts are pointless.’**

My mind couldn’t keep focus. It’s happening again. No matter what I did, what I ate, who I was around all I felt was emptiness. There's a growing voice in my head, it happens now and then. It speaks to me my flaws, my mistakes, my failures without relent. Some days, I could laugh at it. I could make jokes about it, avoid listening to it. But, today it was overpowering. It made my body sluggish, my heart feel heavy. And the worst part was how the voice twisted how I thought people felt about me.

“It’s almost time for the Harvest festival! Aren’t you excited, Kiran!” Sharena was practically bouncing with joy. We were carrying pumpkins inside from the garden to use for carving decorations. I was always impressed with Sharena's ability to remain upbeat, no matter what. But this is a festival, it would be extremely odd if she wasn't expecting to have fun. It should be a fun time, right? A time of year where the Order of Heroes went to enjoy the harvest festivals and cultures of many worlds. The young dragons and kids were preparing for their chance to get candy while experimenting with many types of costumes. Even some of the older heroes considered donning a costume to enjoy the fun. Some of the heroes took to cooking and baking to prepare for the festival, while others prepared for the one time of year they can play their tricks and likely be forgiven, depending on the recipient.

And yet here I was, feeling nothing. Nothing but a crushing weight on my chest, feeling like it was ready to suffocate me at any moment. But, I was the Summoner, the beacon for hope and guidance in the Order of Heroes. I couldn’t show them I was suffering from something I didn’t know how to explain.

** ‘I have to keep them happy.’**

“Of course,” I said putting a big smile on my face and giving my voice a light tone, “It looks like everyone’s geared up for a good time!” With my hood covering the top part of my face, I never had to worry about my eyes betraying me here. Even so, some of the Heroes here were so attentive. If I let them get close to me, would masking my smile and voice not be enough? After placing the pumpkins with the others, I roamed around the halls.

I walked through the halls passing by the Heroes in costumes preparing themselves for the days ahead. Ylgr enlisted the help of her sisters to craft a costume resembling a fairy with a light green dress and pink wig. Despite his outward protests, Ylgr managed to once again rope Helbindi into participating in the festival affairs. I passed by Laegarjn, who was explaining the festival not only to her sister, Laevatiein, but also to Petra. It seems her home in Brigid didn’t have such festival were people dress up and hand out sweets. The scent of the holiday cooking became stronger as I passed by the dining hall. It smelled of sweet apples, fresh cinnamon, ripe pumpkins and so many different types of baked goods. I could see Mercedes, Flora and Lukas busy in the kitchen, while Cecilia, Takumi, and Lucius tended to the children and young manaketes that were trying to sneak a bigger serving of the holiday sweets. I passed by the dancers rehearsing in the garden and Heroes bringing in harvested crops donated from the local villages. Everyone was so happy, but seeing it only made my chest feel heavy and painful.

“Why can’t I enjoy it too…?” I mumbled to myself. I wanted to have fun along with the Heroes, enjoy meals with them, laugh with them. They’ve offered on many occasions for me to spend time with them. But every time something holds me back. The thoughts in my head cycle through the same words.

** ‘It doesn’t matter. It’s just because you’re the summoner. Once they leave, they’ll have no reason to care about you. It’d be cruel to make them care about you only for you to leave them.’**

Back home, in my world, I had nothing going for me. I didn’t have many friends. Growing up it was drilled into me so much to focus on my schoolwork, that I never made a significant connection with the people around me. So when it ended, I had nothing, The stress of school made me skip out on immediately going to college after graduation. I had no job since my mother was worried having one during school would interfere with my schoolwork. So imagine my happiness, when I was thrown in with these people who knew nothing about my past. People who don’t have the same expectations. I had a chance for people to actually be my friend... to feel like I was worth something. That’s all I wanted...

**_ ‘You’re being selfish.’_ **

Over and over the harsh words would enter my head. ‘_I’m selfish. It’s better to be alone. Being close to you is a hindrance.’ _These thoughts, I knew weren’t true. The Heroes have stated how much I’ve helped them and how much they enjoy getting to know me. But on some days like today, they’re all I hear. And my mind twists everything that the heroes say to make me doubt their words. Telling me that I actually have no value to them. That they’re only saying these things to better their time while they’re here. That they're lying to me to keep me from causing them problems. I’m scared one day, those false words will be all I hear and nothing will make it right. It’ll be nothing but an endless abyss. But maybe then I would…

No! I had to stop my thoughts. Today was a happy day for the Heroes. Henry, Gaius, Keaton and Kaden were all set for the tournament for it too. It’s a good day, it would get better.

** ‘Are you sure that it will?’**

* * *

My eyes felt heavy as I stared up at the opening on the ceiling of the cave. My head was pounding as I was thinking to earlier in the day.

“Heh, so much for things getting better, eh?”I spoke to myself, as I felt my eyes close again.


	2. A Gut Feeling (Gaius' pov)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaius' Pov for festival night

Ah the harvest festival, one of the best times of the year in his opinion. He’d always look forward to the main draw: Sweets as far as the eye can see. Pumpkin pie, apple butter tarts, fresh cinnamon rolls and of course, lots and lots of candy for the taking. Although it seems his kid was doing a better job in the looting for that.

“Seems people are a sucker for a cute kid’s face, huh? You’re lucky you got my looks then, kiddo.” Morgan was dressed up as a scarecrow, with makeup marking his face with seams to make it look stitched together, a worn out wizard’s hat covering his ginger hair, and his robes stuffed with hay and candy. It was creative, at least.

“My face isn’t so different from Mr. Henry’s Morgan. Are you sure I didn’t inherit mom’s? Maybe I just got your hair color.” Morgan teased to his father.

“Watch it there kiddo, or else you might find some of that candy missing.” Gaius doing his best to hide his smirk.

“Hah, I’ve learned your tricks father, there’s no way you’ll-” Gaius amusingly watched the smug look on his son’s face change to a surprise when he noticed some of his candy was skimmed. “Hey wait where’s the-?”

“Looking for these?” Gaius held up his hand showing off the sweets he swiped.

“Aw, Father why?” His son sounded miffed that his dad still manage to find a way to swipe his goods.

“Been looking for these treats to give to Buttercup. Don’t worry I’ll grab some more for you later.” These sweets in particular were some of her favorites and he’d noticed she seemed a little down earlier. Gaius had hoped these might cheer her up a bit. “In the meantime, why don’t you go hang out with the other kids. Play a few pranks and all that.”

“Hmm, alright. I’ve had a few ideas I’ve wanted to try.” Morgan had a mischievous smile on his face.

“No pitfalls, Morgan.” Gaius scolded him due to getting one too many complaints from the other Heroes. "I'd rather not get another lecturing on my 'poor parenting' skills."

“Augh. Fine.” Morgan grumbled as he walked away.

Morgan went off to bother the other child heroes by the apple trees, so now Gaius just needed to find were the Summoner went.

“Where could she be?” Gaius thought about where she might have gone. It came to his attention that he hadn’t seen her while he was prowling around the food stands. He walked passed the small garden on the grounds where a patch of carved pumpkins illuminated in the darkness. Several of manaketes were running about and playing in the trees and trying to persuade more people to give them candy. No sign of her there. He passed by the costume contest they were holding near the entrance to the manor used for the occasion. Some of the mercenaries were having a mead drinking contest not too far away. But, Gaius didn't see anyone remotely resembling the summoner within either group.. He passed by the stands, the fountains, and the eating area. After searching the festival grounds for awhile, he noticed he couldn’t find her anywhere.

“Where the heck did she go?” He paused his search not expecting it to take this long to find her. “Maybe she’s with Junior?” He asked himself before looking for his partner. The last place to look would be the stage where the dancers were performing. He found Henry in a crowd watching the show. It was hard to miss that giant coffin he brought along to match his costume. But, the Summoner wasn't with him. What's going on?

“Hey, Junior, you see where Buttercup went? Been looking for her.” Henry looked puzzled as he turned around at his question. That wasn't the reaction he was hoping for.

“Huh? I thought she was with you guys. I haven’t seen her for a couple of hours now.” Henry replied in his usual chipper tone.

“If she was with me, I wouldn’t be looking for her now- wait, _hours_?” Gaius was momentarily stunned, as a feeling of worry started tugging at him. Hours? Really?

“Yeah, after the tournament was done, she said she was going to enjoy the food. Since you’re normally by the food and snack stands, I figured she’d be with you and your lil’ Morgan.” Gaius listen carefully to his words, which made him uneasy with the response he had to give.

“I haven’t seen her since the tournament, Junior.”

“Er, you haven’t? Wow, that _is_ odd!” Gaius saw the change in Henry’s smile. Did her closest partner really not know where she was? Henry put a hand on his chin as he tried to think. “Have you tried asking around?”

“Well she’s not exactly a socialite, but I could try looking around some more. You see where Keaton or Kaden went? I haven't passed by them yet.” Maybe the other two knew where she was.

“Keaton’s been hanging out near the edge of the forest with some others. Some Heroes are telling ghost stories over there and it seems to be where a lot of his types of treasures are at this festival.” 

That's one spot I didn't check yet, Gaius thought to himself. “And Kaden?”

Henry tilted his head and thought for a moment, “I think he was near the accessory shop last I saw him. Him and Leon were fitting some of the Heroes who were unsure about what to wear for the festival. ”

“Hm, alright. Let’s see if any of them know where she is.” Gaius turned around and started making his way to the festival shops. He was hoping at least someone had seen her and that his gut was doing flips for nothing.

** 'Keep your cool, it's too soon to panic.'**

“Roger, I’ll keep you posted.” Henry responded, the change in his expression unseen.


	3. False Smiles (Henry's pov)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Henry's point of view of things

The Summoner disappears now and then. There are days when she goes silent and days where no one has any idea where she went. She says it’s because there’s times when she needed space from everything that’s going on. But she always turns up again back at the castle, with a smile.

** ‘A fake one.’**

If there was anyone who knew a fake smile, it was him. And her aura, never matched the smile she put on her face on those days. And there was another thing that was bothering him. Her aura today was… disturbing, even by his standards. It was malicious, but there was no sign of who it was directed at or at least he couldn’t pinpoint it. And her smile and tone seemed extremely forced. What was making the Summoner feel this way, he didn't know, and it bothered him.

The Summoner made efforts to get to know him. At first he was only interested in the fact he got to fight as much as he wanted and he certainly was grateful that she was the one who summoned him. But after awhile, he grew to like this place. He really begun to enjoy her company. She always seemed genuinely interested in his hexes, as she said there was no magic in her world. She was always letting him enjoy the arena, taking him with her to whatever new world needed them, he certainly had grown quite attached to the Summoner. At times, Henry even heard whispers of the possibility that he may have hexed her due to how much time they spend together sometimes. He took the notion as a compliment, even though he wouldn't hex someone he liked that much. And the thought of her possibly dying if he failed his job as a hero made him feel... awful. So, he felt disappointed when she wasn't at his side for the festival. He figured the festival today might change the mood she was feeling, like they normally do. Although, while he was happy about how close the two of them were, he felt like there was still some distance between the two of them. And it wasn't being caused by him for once. He felt like there's something she was desperately trying to keep hidden from him. So, he thought nothing of it went she went on her own, thinking that she just wanted to be alone for a bit. But now…

_"I haven’t seen her since the tournament, Junior.” _

Gaius’ words were sticking to him. Why would she disappear during the festival? That’s the best time to get your spirits up! Especially if you’re lucky enough to talk to the real ones. And when she’s gone, it’s never more than an hour or two. Something was off in her behavior today. He was considering to help Gaius look for her.

“Father, is everything okay?” His son came up beside him, dressed up as a ghoul for the festival. Since Morgan inherited his white hair, just some makeup really made him look wonderfully ghoulish. 

“Hm, oh heya Morgan. Need something?” Henry snapped out of his thoughts for a moment.

“You looked lost in thought. And your brow was furrowed. Did you not enjoy the show?” A look of concern was on Morgan's face.

“Oh, was it?” Henry noticed his son's eyes were focused on trying to read his face. Henry was happy to have such an observant little boy, and one smart enough to maybe notice something he didn’t. “Hey Morgan, you wouldn’t have happened to have seen Kiran after the tournament today, have you? Gaius was looking for her.”

“Hmm, I think I saw her walking towards the forest near the edge of the festival but um,” his face changed to a look of concern, “I did think something was off now that I think about it. The aura around her felt different, it was kind of scary. I thought she might be feeling something extremely negative.”

“Nya ha, you’re a chip off the ol’ block my boy. I was thinking the same thing. She's had that aura all day and I couldn't figure out what it was for. Since usually that kind of bad aura is around dark mages like us." Henry pondered through his thoughts for a moment, "Buuuut, since she doesn’t use _any_ magic as far as I know… we should probably go looking for her. No telling what kind of trouble it could attract.” Negative energy always attracted a ton of trouble like wandering spirits or other not so nice dark mages. And he would hate to see her be caught up by that.

"Why don’t we use the crows, then?" One of Henry's crows conveniently perched themselves on Morgan's shoulder. "Their eyesight are leagues better than ours and they can travel through the dense forests much safer than we can. ” Morgan suggested as he offered the crow on his shoulder a snack from his pocket. It filled him with so much joy to see that his son bonded with his crow friends.

“Good idea!" Henry called for some of the other crows who were relaxing in the trees nearby. Three of them landed on him and cawed curiously. "Hey you guys, I need you to do us a favor." 


	4. The small hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summoner's Pov

‘**Where am I?’**

I woke up again, did I fall asleep?

“Sleeping with a likely concussion is not a great idea…” I mumbled to myself. I tried to think back to how I got in this mess. . .

* * *

Even after the tournament finished, I didn’t feel any better. My chest felt heavier than before, my body feeling like it was being crushed under an invisible weight. I needed to leave. To be alone. I couldn’t let them see me break down. It would pass, I just needed to leave for a bit. I told Henry that I’d be making my way to the food stands, since that would likely be where I’d be heading once I felt better. Food after crying tends to uplift the spirits. As I left, other Heroes made offers for me to spend time with them, but I just couldn't. I made up whatever excuse I could to just get away from everything before it was too late.

I wandered off, the sounds of the festival grew faint and the lighting became more scarce. Although the festival was only in certain spots in this world, the world as a whole remained an endless night, much like some worlds that had an endless summer or winter. I kept walking, and ended up wandering into the forest. The thick trees blocked the moonlight from my path. But at the moment I didn’t care. My mind was racing and my heart was pounding like crazy. It felt like I was suffocating while trying to keep a grip on myself.

‘**They wouldn't care if you happened to disappear here. You have no reason to be around after all.’**

“That’s not true! It’s not true! So, stop!” I argued with my thoughts. But they wouldn’t stop. Any positive thoughts I tried to remind myself of were immediately drowned out. “Breathe, just breathe.” I tried to tell myself to breathe. To calm down. The blood rushing to my head was so loud, it sounded like-

“Ahh!”

The ground suddenly moved from under me. I had slipped on the muddy surface and before I knew it, I felt my body crash into the cold and rapid moving water. The current quickly carrying me away, I tried to keep my head above water. I was too panicked to recall how to get out. My body had crashed into rocks in the rapids. And then I hit my head.

* * *

I don’t remember what happened after that. But here I was. So some way, somehow I was still here.

But what did it matter? If the darkness just swallowed me right now, would I really mind it? Maybe, my silent wish for death’s embrace was finally being granted. But, of course, it couldn’t have just happened while being carried away by the rapids. Maybe I still was needed in some way. Without thinking I moved my right hand, to feel the touch of Breidablik that I kept holstered to my hip. It often helped me remember why I’m here, that in some way, people needed me. But, its comforting feeling wasn’t there.

“Wh-where is it?!” Panic filled my body as I frantically tried to move to look for it. My actions only causing me pain, as my joints screamed, my muscles contracted and my chest feeling like it was on fire. I had to force myself back into my original position to try and alleviate the sudden onslaught of pain. Even with the small patches of moonlight, it was too dark to see much down here. For all I knew though, it could have flowed away further down the river.

‘**Your ****reason ****for being here is gone…’**

I felt the tears rolling down my face. The light sobbing causing the pain in my chest to increase. There I was at the bottom of an unknown cave, my body injured too badly to move but just enough that I would likely die before anyone found me. And the one thing that gave me hope that I had a purpose here, was gone.

“Hah, if the gods exist, they’re needlessly cruel.”

‘**It’s what you deserve.’**

I closed my eyes again, my many failures of my life going through my mind. And it seemed like this one would be my last. Leaving the Order of Heroes to their own devices, never to know what became of their summoner. Abandoning hundreds of heroes because I couldn't control my own emotions. I was pathetic. Maybe it was my imagination, but I thought I was hearing the sound of death's crows.


End file.
